Jake 2.0

I had a chat over the weekend with another mom from a group I belong to for parents of children with brain injuries. She was having a really tough time the past few days mourning the loss of her daughter...the daughter she had before her traumatic brain injury. Her daughter survived a horrible car crash, but the child that survived is not the same child she was before.

It's not something that most people who haven't experienced it really think about, but it's very real. People on the outside looking in see how blessed we are that Jake survived...and trust me, we feel extremely lucky he is still with us and are thankful every day. They see how far he has come and that he is still progressing, again all very true. But, along with all the physical struggles that are visible to everyone, there are parts of Jake's personality that are gone and others that are just different. We are luckier than a lot of people I talk to who's children now exhibit horrible aggression or insane mood swings. Most of Jake is still "there," but for those of us closest to him, we see the differences. My mom has mentioned to me, usually in tears, that she misses how easily she and Jake used to carry on a conversation. His answers tend to be shorter and he doesn't often initiate sharing things like he did before. I also really miss Jake's wit, at times some of the things that would come of out his mouth would floor me. I'm sure some his close friends notice the nuances in his personality too. He can tend to fixate on things or be repetitive and he doesn't always get sarcasm. Todd and I have a hard time processing the entire situation at times, I can't imagine how an 11 year old friend handles it.

We have seen improvements over the past year in many of these areas, but we've accepted that he is now Jake 2.0 and won't ever be the same as he was before. Part of it is because of the experience itself and what he's had to overcome, and the other part is simply due to damage to the brain that can't be fully repaired. There is nothing "wrong" with Jake or his personality, it's just different.

When your child survives a life threatening brain injury, you aren't given the time to mourn the loss of the child that was. All of your energy goes into their recovery. We choose to spend the majority of our time in "we are very blessed" instead of mourning the loss, but it creeps up every now and then and it usually followed by a fair amount of tears. 

He is still a very sweet and loving child that I wouldn't trade for anything, but I'd by lying if I said I didn't at times miss the "before all this happened" Jake too.